DATING 101: Dating/Courting advice for Christian women in their twenties or thirties who want to get married.

  Author: S. Gordon-Jeffery

Some time ago I found myself reading an interesting article from the Jamaica Star's advice column Dear Pastor. Persons write in asking for advice on relationships and Reverend Aaron Dumas provides the answers. Hence the name Dear Pastor.

In the article I read, a young lady in her late twenties wrote to the advice column, revealing that she was a virgin, never had sex before and never had a boyfriend. Yes, she sometimes feels to bruk out. 

Below is my reply to this young lady if she had asked me for advice. I would also extend my advice to any person facing the same dilemma. "What is the dilemma?", you ask. Single, Christian young woman in their twenties (maybe thirties) searching for a serious relationship.

Thinking about love.

"Love is patient, love is kind..." 1 Corinthians 13:4. Yes mi a bring Corinthians 13:4 into this. It describes unconditional love so aptly! By the way, if your love has conditions, it is not love.

We all want to be in love. 

Even di peepul dem weh seh dem nuh wah nobaddi. A lie dem a tell! Fraid dem fraid fi let dem gyaad down.

If you're looking for love the first thing you got to do is not have a whole bunch of weird expectations, plus a list of what you think your perfect mate should be. Ladies, Prince Charming only exists in fairy tales, he ain't real!

What you can have is a man who respects you and is willing to make sacrifices to make you feel loved and special. Notice I never said happy. That is circumstantial; the level of happiness or unhappiness you feel changes from moment to moment.

A cheerful spirit however comes from God.

If we think about the love of Jesus we are reminded of how he stepped out of eternity and into time for us: ungrateful, wretched people; incapable of loving. How could we? The word of God says we were "dead in sin and trespasses" (Ephesians 2:1, KJV).

We did not have the capacity to love until Christ came and showed us what love is. God saw that we needed a Saviour and chose to send His Son to bear our punishment:

"For when we were yet without strength (utterly powerless - NLT), in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

"For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

"But God commendeth (showed) His love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:6-8, KJV).

When we accepted His love via His sacrifice we became a part of the kingdom of God, able to experience true love and share it with others.

The Scriptures reminds us that "...the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:5, NASB).

As believers, through Christ, we now have the ability to love others as Christ loves us.

So here's what I think the young lady and other women like her should do.

1. Make New Friends

Be kind, be patient; be a friend. Life can distract us from human companionship: our busy schedules at work and so on can often get in the way, but you won't meet someone new if you are not willing to make new friends.

If there is no one in your current circle of friends you like or who likes you, expand your options. Don't just go to your own church's young adult meetings, visit other churches. Go out and have fun with Christian young people at gospel concerts and other wholesome Christian events. Go out and mingle with Christian singles at courtship and marriage seminars, and be friendly. Make friends via social media too. Be eager to engage in friendly chatter just on a get to know someone new basis. Something can spark later.

2. Understand the dynamics of Christian dating.

A guy who is not a Christian may be aggressive, and approach you the first time he sees you.  A Christian man may choose to hold off on that and observe you at a distance at first. A non-Christian will tell you plainly that he likes you and proceed to describe the physical features he likes.

"Baby yuh fat eeh!" "Sexy browning!" "Walk and whine!" Yeah, you get the picture.
As a young man growing up or newly baptised and coming into the Church culture, he learns quickly that that is not acceptable behavior. He must not lust. He must bridle his tongue and put his body under subjection.

Added to that, is the fact that sex and sexuality is such a taboo topic in our circle. Also, courting/dating is not a topic discussed in most churches. Most rules of engagement are implied. He may be fearful to approach a sister and not be sure what to say and how to make the first move.

The best you can do is make it easier on him by giving him hints that you're interested.

a. Active listening
Listen to what he is saying and respond letting him know that you're listening and interested in what he has to say. Follow up on previous conversations and share your opinion.

b. Don't judge by the physical appearance or socio-economics

Demonstrate Christ's love by looking beyond the physical appearance or the current economic situation. Most Christian men are notorious for being plain looking. Dem nah nuh swag, lol! Look beyond that and consider who the person is. No, I am not saying him nuh fi clean and look decent, but the Gucci belt nuh necessary!

Also, consider that though he may not be where he should be financially or purpose-wise, he may have the potential to do great things in Christ Jesus, who has called us to "good works" (Ephesians 2:10). He just needs a good wife who can help him get there.

Here is what is essential: Does he treat you like a gentleman should? Does he listen to you? Does He love God and the Bible? Is he a hardworking, ambitious young man? Is he willing to abstain from sex until married?  Don't watch the swag, watch how he makes you feel when he's around.

c. Enjoy his company, no pressure.

 Do not put any pressure on yourself or the young man. Take the time to know him. The first man you talk to doesn't have to be The One. You're just having conversations, no pressure. Don't rush into anything, there is still time. But, have serious life conversations with any new guy you have a romantic interest in.

Your goal is to find out what sort of man he is: Does he talk about future goals? Where does he see himself the next two to ten years? Marriage? Kids? If he turns out to be uninterested or have a sinister agenda, don't panic. Chill. Wish him well and move on.

d. Show interest and be a good friend

Be there when he needs someone to talk to.
Do not be critical, you're not perfect either. Pray for him and help him, then... let things flow naturally. If he values you beyond friendship, he will let you know.

e. Be honest about what you're looking for.

Say what you're looking for. If you meet someone who has an interest in you. State clearly that you're looking for: a husband. Express your standards: no sex before marriage, etc. Don't look for a specific type, that can be deceiving, look for the qualities within that matter. If he respects you, he will respect your standards. He doesn't need to be a specific type of guy to do that, except for one who loves God.


Thanks for reading. Please share and drop a comment below. I will appreciate it. Look out for the next article. I will be exploring what women should be looking for in a man. What makes a man husband material. See ya then!  😁