COVID DATING: Tips to finding love in a pandemic.

Author: S. Gordon-Jeffery

Hey folks! How is everyone feeling after the first article in the 'Covid Dating' series? In the article 'COVID DATING: Five (5) tips on where to go and what to do on a pandemic date' I shared that you must bear in mind an appropriate setting for going on a date during these difficult times. I mentioned that wide open spaces preferably the outdoors is key. I also mentioned safe venues and activities you can do with your date that ensure proper physical distancing. If you haven't read it yet, I invite you to click the link above, read it and please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.

Today I will be tackling a big topic —finding love during this COVID-19 pandemic.

Finding and experiencing wholesome romantic love is never easy. It can be quite a challenge, and to think of all the hurdles that one could encounter, a pandemic would be the last thing on anyone's mind. Millennial dating is hard enough, then comes Covid-19 and finding love seems almost impossible.  Almost, but not quite impossible. 

For those persons who see dating as a hassle and not something you're into right now, you're not alone. According to a survey done by the popular dating app 'Tinder', millennials are staying single longer. Tinder's researchers conducted a study they called 'Single, Not Sorry', which revealed that about a quarter of the women surveyed and 17 percent of the male respondents believed that "being single actually makes them feel empowered". Interestingly, of the young women surveyed 54% (fifty-four percent) said that being single "makes them feel more independent". [1] 

More power to them if that's what they really want. Being in a relationship takes commitment, sacrifice and the unselfish effort, they probably feel they are unable to give. If that is so, good for them. 

For the brave souls however, who are looking for a real connection, I can help you and it is the right time. We are in a pandemic, yes, but that has not stopped persons from making real love connections through dating apps and social media groups. Conversing online conveniently solves the problem of physical distancing and enables persons to see each other, chat and yes, fall in love. In a study done by another popular American dating app, Bumble, 65% (sixty-five percent) of respondents believe it is now possible to fall in love with someone they have never met in person, and a whopping 91% (ninety-one percent) of those surveyed agree there is no longer "a stigma attached to meeting someone online or through a dating app since the pandemic began". [2]

These statistics signify that people are still out there looking for love in spite of the restrictions imposed by the pandemic. My role here to ensure that in your process of looking for love, you remain honest with yourself and your prospective partner. That's where a dash of emotional intelligence comes in.

According to Psychology Today, emotional intelligence is "...the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others". [3]  It entails useful skills such as emotional awareness, which is the ability to identify and name one’s own emotions; the ability to manage emotions, which includes both managing one’s own emotions when necessary and helping others to do the same. Here's how I'm gonna break it down according to my interpretation of what I think this means. Let's get into it!

1. Do some introspection

a. Are you ready for a romantic relationship?

What frame of mind are you in? Are you still nursing emotional scars from a past relationship or relationships? If you are harboring resentment and unforgiveness, you may drag them into your next encounter with someone who could be your future husband or wife. 

Hurting someone physically; cutting the other person open with words that blame, villify and ridicule will not help. It will push people away and make you miserable.

If that is your modus operandi, it's time for a change! A relationship break-up can be a painful experience, but that does not give you an excuse to live in your past pain and regret. Realise that what is past is past. What you need to do is focus on learning from the experience and being optimistic about your future.

Please bear in mind, persons have lost so much during this time —financially: the loss of job or means of income, indebtedness; or the unexpected loss of a loved one due to COVID-19, are painful experiences people are fighting through right now. Besides financial problems, health issues individuals are currently going through because of coronavirus can make them feel particularly vulnerable. You too may have gone through or are going through something that is both physically and emotionally draining. Considering all these things and your own circumstances are you emotionally able and available to give a listening ear? Can you provide emotional support and be in tuned to the other person's feelings and your own? Can you be engaged and present in the moment with them. If you are, then:

i. Seek to understand not only to be understood 

We get so caught up with ourselves and our own problems, or thinking only of what we want from a relationship, we never think about what the other party may want. Seek to have multiple honest conversations about even the little things. Find out what they like and what they don't like. Find out what they desire from a relationship. Share your point of view also. Be candid and clear, but respectful.

 b. Think and reflect on who you are: Your values and aspirations and make adjustments where necessary.

Practicing a little self reflection is a good thing folks. It never hurt anyone to sit back a little and think about how you want your life to be, including the romantic aspects of it. So, take the time before going into or prospecting for a new relationship to think about who you really are. Where relationships are concerned what is most important to you, it better not be the monetary and material things only, that is fleeting and can take "wings [and] fly away ..." (Proverbs 23 verse 5, KJV).

i. Values 

Above all else, you must desire someone who takes your feelings into account and not just their own. Seek to train yourself to value friendship; value tenderness; value quality time and put in the effort to understand yourself and the other person. Seek a partner who is thoughtful and unselfish —someone who is willing to work on making the relationship better. A man or woman who knows it is not always about them must be your choice. Be thoughtful also, remember it is not always about you. Place value on positive traits such as honesty, integrity, openness and the ability to acknowledge wrong done and willingness to make amends —both from your prospective partner and yourself. Be a better you!

ii. Aspirations

What are your goals in life? What would you want to achieve? What is the sort of person you want to have a relationship and grow with?  These are the things you should think about. For example, if you love to travel you should date/court someone who has a sense of adventure, wants to travel and has a flexible temperament. A person who is regimented, inflexible and afraid of adventure may not be a good travel buddy, unless they are willing to adjust their point of view. Only love can make a person do this, which is a good sign.

c. Share more of yourself through:

i. Communicating - when you're going through something say so, let the person know what you're thinking and how you're feeling. In the long run you'll be better for it.  

ii. Spending time and effort. Put the phone down

Put the phone down and go for a walk together or spend the time talking about what you want to see from the relationship. If you say you will meet someone do it. Unless of course you truly can't because of other obligations, then let them know. When you're on the date do not allow yourself to be distracted by the phone. Constantly texting on the phone especially on a first date is rude and disrespectful. It shows your date you have scant regard for them. If you wanted to text undisturbed, it would have been best for you to stay home. 

You want the most out of the dating experience, right? Well, put the phone down, turn it off and be engaged emotionally and intellectually in the conversation. The best way to understand someone is actually talking to them. Another thing, seek to show up for your dates. Don't agree to meet and then not show up or half way through the date you say you're going to the bathroom and slip away. Be sensitive. What if someone did that to you? Hmm? This leads to my next point.

iii. No ghosting

Do not, I repeat, do not ghost someone if you're no longer interested or you're upset with them. Let them know (graciously, don't be mean) that you don't see a romantic relationship developing between you and them and be kind about it. Some people are late bloomers. They sometimes take a while to grow and bloom beautifully. They may be socially awkward, maybe it's because it takes a while for them to warm up to someone. Underneath their seemingly dull or introverted exterior could be a hidden gem of a person. Be patient and get to know them. 

If on the other hand, they are rude or sexually disrespectful and trying to just get into your pants, express your displeasure at their behaviour. If they don't change and admit they have done wrong, block them, ghosting however is never the answer. 

No chemistry? Hey, see it as an opportunity to gain a new friend. No harm done. Making friends is always a good thing.

2. Manage Expectations

What do really want in a partner? Do you know? Does what you want match up with your why? Why do you want your partner to be tall, dark and handsome, for example. Is this a requirement that you subconsciously adopted because society says this is the ideal partner or is it what you really want? 

You say you have a list of requirements. Are they realistic? On your list you may have that your partner should make approximately $275,000 - $300,000 per month / $ 2.5 million to 3.6 million per year. It may just be possible to meet someone like that, however, consider this — the money the gentleman or lady earns should not be the only criteria a relationship is based on. Sorry to say, but the prospective love candidate you have your eye on could be ill-tempered, abusive, and mean —their money is indeed theirs, and they may only see it fit to share it with strings attached. 

So what should you expect?

• Expect that people are flawed and will not measure up to what you usually want or expect.
• Expect that people will make mistakes or may not be aware that their actions have hurt you unless you let them know; but also
• Expect that even if you tell them how you feel they may not care.
• Expect that people may not be completely honest with you about their life and current relationship status

A person's financial or socioeconomic status can change in the blink of an eye —illness, bad financial decisions, a job loss or a failed business, can all lead to missed-fortune. Instead, examine in your heart, the life (peace of mind, love and romance, stable family life) not the lifestyle you wish to experience with you and your partner to be. If the relationship is a true and wholesome partnership, the lifestyle that brings joy to you will come. Meaning? Meaning, if you are both working together as partners, as spouses, your shared efforts will produce the lifestyle that will be satisfying for both of you. Yes, money, and the other stuff will come if you are patient. Take a look at what the Bible says:

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-11, NIV)

a. The Independent Woman

I do understand women when they say they want to be independent. The issue here is that the millennial woman (and man) does not want to be dependent on a intimate partner. The thought of relying on someone is unnerving to so many, because it makes them feel weak and vulnerable. 

In these tough economic times I will agree that is necessary for a woman to hold her own, but it does not mean she has to do it all alone. Your partner can be a safety net for you, and vice versa, in case something unexpected happens such as illness and so on, you can both assist each other. What's wrong with that? Nothing. Plus, if single men and women are honest, they will admit it's exhausting doing everything for themselves. Think of a relationship as team work. It is not a competition about who makes the most money, the man or the woman. It's how do we utilise the resources we have to make a life and future together. That is the mindset persons must have entering into a relationship. Otherwise, it won't go very far.

b. Putting things into perspective:

Be cautious. With everything one has to listen and observe. Seek after what the truth is. Don't get caught up in the hype of typical millennial dating or the so called 'power couple culture'. At the end of the day, your feelings are on the line, so take the time to know the person, be friends and explore romance (no I don't mean sex) not just because of physical attraction and chemistry, those are important too, but also remember you want a partner who genuinely cares about you. Trust your gut. 

So here are some things you can do:

3. Take a step

Now that you've done some self reflection and also sought to manage your expectations, the next move is actually getting out there and meeting new people, dating, making a love connection and courting. Here are three (3) things to consider in achieving your goal:

a. Don't be afraid 

Don't be afraid to make mistakes in love. It's all a part of the human experience and makes you wiser, so you can know what you want and ask for it. 

b. Be kind

Consider the other person as you share about what you realistically want from a relationship. No fairy tales. There is also no need to be crabby or arrogant. Be kind, considering that just like you, your potential love interest may have had bad experiences in relationships and is also learning to be wholesome and love again. Don't put too much pressure on yourself or them. Be clear on what you're looking for, but give yourself and your love interest the space to grow.  

c. Observe Red flags

Red flags are behaviors/attitudes that give you an indication that something may not be quite right. If a person talks too much about themselves and never asks about you or your interests, that is a red flag. Ladies, if you've been on multiple dates with a man and he never offers to pay for both your meals and wants to go dutch all the time, that is a red flag. Folks, if you being upset about something is of no concern to your love interest, and he or she continues talking without asking what's wrong. T-h-a-t is a red flag! Gentlemen, if she talks about herself all the time. That's a red flag. She or he is always on the phone, and doesn't want to engage in deep conversation. That is a red flag. If she keeps on mentioning the cost of her hair and nails, clothes, etc, and boasting about what she spends, that is a red flag. Ditto for the males, if it's all about him and what he owns, it is a red flag. Enough said.

 4. Solid foundation

a. Seek to build a solid foundation through:

• Expressing how you feel - if you like someone romantically make a move, say something. If one thing is clear in these Covid-19 times, it is that life is too short for regrets. Go for it.
• Open and honest communication - talk about things, no topic should be too big or small; your feelings and theirs should always be considered
• Forgive quickly - if someone has hurt you, say so and if they apologise, quickly put aside grudges so the relationship can recover and strengthen
• Reconcile - if you have done wrong, acknowledge it and seek to make amends and reconcile
• Romance - treat yourself and your partner/suitor to a little romance. Plan something with them in mind. What do they like? You should know or find out. The date or gift doesn't have to be expensive, but it can be special and thoughtful.

Thanks so much for reading this article, let me know what you think. Please share your comments below. Thanks! 😃

References:

1. Dvalidze, Irina and Lauren Tegtmeyer. Why These Millennials Are Choosing To Stay Single, Bustle, November 2, 2020, https://www.bustle.com/life/why-our-generation-is-choosing-to-stay-single
2. Yahoo Finance. Bumble research reveals how the pandemic has changed dating heading into the ‘summer of love’, published June 21, 2021, https://finance.yahoo.com/news/bumble-research-reveals-pandemic-changed-180000418.html
3. Psychology Today. Emotional Intelligence. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/emotional-intelligence